“Crème Fraiche on a microwave hotdog” Fences review

Fences review: by Rob Stoakes

UK certification: 12A

14886217_1040838869357950_851251975_nThe Oscars are a marketing gimmick!

There, we’ve got it out of the way. Everything that you’ve secretly and cynically suspected about the Oscars is horribly correct.

It is a multi-million advertising campaign where the winners are primarily the films that want promoting as decided by a room full of old farts with increasingly out-of-date ideas who were all bribed for the privilege of watching movies. Continue reading

“As dull and pointless as a kid’s crayon” Jackie review

Jackie review:  by Rob Stoakes

UK certification: 15

14886217_1040838869357950_851251975_nThere are people still mourning.

We look at the life he led, all of the accomplishments attributed to him, and the state of the world both at the height of his glory and at the point he left it, and we ask ourselves “Why?” One of our great icons that millions looked up to and will continue to look up, gone in an instant. No, it won’t make his work vanish, but still a tragedy nonetheless.

I’m of course talking about the death of John Hurt earlier this year, one of the greatest stage actors ever and in my personal top ten. He most certainly deserves an entire article dedicated to him on this site, and I would really like it if his legacy doesn’t end up boiling down to Jackie, which overall is kind of naff.

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Movie Metropolis Alternative Oscars

14859347_1040969846011519_1192281544_o-copyVoting in the 2017 Alternative Oscars is now closed, click here for the results.

They’re back! The Movie Metropolis Alternative Oscars have returned for a second edition after their phenomenal success last year.

For the uninitiated reading this, the MMAO were set up out of my distinct lack of faith in the Academy Awards. For years, the ceremony has forgotten about the films that the majority of the cinema-going public enjoy watching. Continue reading

“A lesson for film-makers” La La Land review

La La Land review: by Rob Stoakes

UK certification: 12A

14886217_1040838869357950_851251975_nScriptwriters! Directors! Anyone who works in film! Are you reading? Well, of course you are, the only reason movie reviews exist is to stroke your egos. I have some special advice for you, one storyteller to another. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Now, allow me to put my advice in patronising capital letters.

SHOW, DON’T TELL!

I am sick and tired of moviemakers who forget that film is a visual medium. I play video games, and by far the worst part of any video game is when I’m not allowed to play the game anymore while a mini-movie tells me what the plot is. Every gamer hates that bit! So why is it acceptable for films to start thinking that they’re books? Continue reading

“Metallica in the office” The Big Short review

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By Rob Stoakes

About ten years ago there was an experiment carried out to see how well one could reasonably bet on the stock market. Over a period of months, the subjects would invest in the stock market, and the test would track who made the most. Among the test subjects were a man who taught economics, a highly respected investments consultant, a banker, and a four year old girl who picked her investments out of a hat. The girl won by millions upon millions of dollars, of course.

This is how mind-bendingly stupid the world of banking is. Words like sub-prime, securitisation and quantitative easing float through the ether like they actually mean anything even though it’s clearly the ramblings of a coked up lunatic. In these circumstances, how could one NOT make their story about the financial crash of 2008 not so tongue in cheek that the cheek looks inflated? Continue reading